Query Letter Revised

This is an old version as of now. But I figured I'd keep it up just so I can see how ridiculous I once was :)




I'm hoping to start querying soon now that I'm done editing my novel. Please let me know what you think of this query letter. Brutal is fine, but brutal and helpful is better...

Dear XX,

Fredrick angers the village elders when he spoils their plans of marrying Anna off to one of their grandsons by falling in love with her first.

Searching for a way to rid themselves of him, the elders seize their chance when a nearby volcano erupts. They blame Fredrick for the disaster, accuse him of angering the gods, and unanimously banish him. But instead of leaving, he organizes the villagers to help depose the elders.

With a long and consuming fight imminent, during the peak of the harvest season, Anna pleads with Fredrick to submit to the elder’s demands in order to avoid potential starvation come winter. He reluctantly agrees, but swears to Anna that he will return.

Alone in the wilderness, the gods warn Fredrick that he needs to make a great sacrifice to keep the deadly volcanic ash blowing away from the village. He must figure out what that is in order to save this entire community and everybody he loves from a horrible death.

Bleed Well, 89,000 words, is a fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Synopsis, sample chapter, and full manuscript are available upon request.

Sincerely,
Michael Tate

Query Letter

This is the current draft of the query letter I'm writing for my novel Bleed Well. If you have any suggestions, please please please let me know so I can make this as good as possible.

    When Fredrick finds a small deer following him through the forest, he remembers the teachings in the temple about how the creatures of the forest were gods and should be treated with respect. But instead of treating this as an honor, his frustration with life, love, and his failed dreams grab hold of him and refuse to let go. He picks up a rock and bashes in the deer’s skull.
    Later that morning, Fredrick confesses to one of the village elders about his profane actions in an attempt to figure out why he killed the deer. But instead of giving him answers or assuaging his concerns, the elder rebukes him and warns the gods are going to be furious. Shortly after their discussion, the elder’s premonitions become reality when a nearby volcano erupts and disaster strikes the village. After the fires are put out and all villagers, dead and alive, are accounted for, the elders gather for an emergency meeting. Unanimously, they determine Fredrick was the cause of the disaster and banish him from the village forever.

Homeless and alone, Fredrick must embark on a journey to right his wrongs and appease the gods in order to save himself and everybody his loves from annihilation.

Again, any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated

Writing your Query Letter before your Novel

    One of the most painful things for a novel writer is the dreaded query letter. We hate it. We really do, but I shouldn’t have to tell you. You know, don’t you?
    I mean how do you condense a brilliant novel into just a couple paragraphs? It can’t be done. How can you get across your brilliant symbolism and genius characterization? How can you show the subtlety of your foreshadowing? How can you explain your fiendishly twisted plot?
    You can’t.
    And I’m not here to tell you how to write your query letter. But what I am here to tell you is that half of the pain is in distilling and sifting out the main idea from your novel. That is if you even have a main idea to distill...and if you don’t, this can be a SUPER painful process. And the one way to reduce this pain is to write your query letter before you even type “Chapter 1.” Yes that’s right, I said before.
    Why?
    The reason is simple. If you have an idea for a novel, yes you can write it and make it interesting. But once you go to write that query letter, it’s easy to find out that you don’t have a hook, or a plot that can summarized to the point where an agent, editor, or more importantly, a reader, will want to hear more. If you write your query before hand, you are no longer handcuffed by your novel and if you realize that the plot just can’t be dressed up enough to make somebody drop everything and read your book, you can change it. No longer will you think, “I wish I could just change that death to a kidnapping. I could do A, B, and C and my book would be amazing!” You can just do it.
    Oh, and did I mention that you won’t have to go through the alchemy of finding your main point? Did I mention that you’ll have, sitting in front of your computer as you write, a guiding light to keep you on track? Did I also mention that when your friends, family, and other co-workers ask about that novel you’re writing, you can succinctly tell them what it’s about?!?!
    Yes, that’s right. You’ll never have to fumble around for 15min only to leave them wondering how anybody would ever make sense of the nonsense that was your plot!

    So yes, I know. Writing query letters can be painful, but if you do it as soon as you have an idea for a novel, it will not only make your life easier, but it will make your novel better. I wish somebody told me this years ago...